'The gift of truth excels all other gifts' - Buddha
Not sure exactly what has been happening with me over the last couple weeks but I think I might say that it's partly because of the fact that It's a new moon in Cancer. An emotional, cleansing moon that will expose the truth. The astrological readings tell me that this New Moon may bring to light the things I do that sabotage moi and also ask me to reflect on whether or not I am buying into the illusion that I am unworthy.
Hmmmm. Reflection begins.
Sooo...sometimes, I panic and yes I have had moments over the course of the last few weeks where I have felt 'unworthy'. #Truth.
My panic is never a heart beating out of my chest, loss of of breath kind of panic but rather, the more subtle kind; what I like to think of as the ‘creep up behind you, black cloud, doom and gloom, self doubt and fear’ version of panic. I write this simply because I feel all of us can relate and many of you could benefit from knowing that I too am a human.
To give you some background...
Living a gypsy lifestyle off and on for the past 7 years has afforded me the ability to develop an array of relevant skills they don’t tend to teach you in school. For example:
- I am quite good at living out of a suitcase
- My packing and folding techniques are stellar
- I can easily speak to strangers of all different shapes and sizes and then become their friend
- I am able to navigate my way around random places on a scooter (so fun!)
- I speak up and ask for help when I need it
- I have developed a sophisticated taste for coffee and can sniff out the best cafes wherever I go (some might say I am verging on coffee snob, never mind them).
On top of all these kick ass tools, I have experienced many beautiful worldly wonders and feel an abundance of gratitude for having the courage to go where my feet want to take me. However, there are days when I question all of the great things that I am doing and completely forget these amazing adventures and successes I have accomplished and those that I am creating.
My brain begins to question and over analyse everything. I get a bad case of the blues. I feel unattractive, incapable, sometimes both. I start to compare myself to others (with their cute kids, stable jobs, pretty gardens and picket fences, successful creative projects, crazy cool blogs and conformed existences). All I am left with (after comparison) are fabricated reasons as to why I’m not good enough, why I can’t live the life I love, have the things I want or how I am incapable of truly enjoying the people and sights around me or who I am to think I make a difference in the world. Extremely unproductive bullshit. To make matters worse, when I am in this space of doubt and comparison, I want to escape and flee from the storm. My thoughts and actions (skipping a workout, eating unhealthy food, worrying, procrastinating, neglecting my goals, hiding and disconnecting from my tribe, crying constantly + excessively etc.) are not that good for my body, my mind or my free and beautiful spirit. My downward spiral also impacts the people I love in a massive way whether I think they do or not and limits the capacity to which i can authentically connect with them.
Maybe you or someone you love does the things I do or perhaps they choose to use drugs, alcohol, self harm, gambling or whatever else to find shelter from the storm. These behaviours are often classified as human ‘coping’ mechanisms. I call BULLSHIT, again. Last I checked, coping is expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, seeking to master or minimise stress or conflict. As far as I am concerned, not much coping occurs when engaged in those sorts of activities. Numbing yes, healing, not so much.
It’s taken time, and I am forever in learning BUT I have found that the most powerful strategy to help dig myself out of my holes has been to acknowledge + talk about what is going on rather than ignore, create paralysis + flee. We can feel alone or misunderstood and yes, things hurt like hell at times. We might even think that our issues are worse than anyone else’s and as though we aren’t worthy of the healing or forward momentum.
NEWSFLASH. The reality is as such: many others have already felt the way you do, many others are currently experiencing the same feelings or quite similar, or perhaps they will at some stage feel this way in the future. We all have our stuff. BUT by you being open and sharing yourself, you clear a path for not only your elephants and monsters to come parading out of closets and from under beds but you create space for others as well. You might even become privy to a new strategy, skill, tool, resource or person who can support you on your journey.
Our authentic stories (the real f*cking deal) are what people truly need to know and hear. In my opinion, this is where the true healing and human connection comes from. There is power in sharing our stories + experiences, our trials, tribulations, struggle, success, life lessons, mistakes, skills and talents. Share not to source pity or stay stuck and replay the same old broken record to those willing to hear. But rather, share to find the comfort and relief while knowing you are not alone. You are supported and you matter, people are here to help and love, to cheer you on and hug the crap out of you. They are there, but how will they know what role to play for you if you choose not to share?
Let’s ease up on the panic button, the negative self talk, the self sabotage, the mask wearing and hiding and instead ramp up love, compassion + courage, kindness + joy and heart wide open #TRUTH.
I am a gift just as you are a gift to this big bold world. Gifts are to be offered to others without expectation, unwrapped and then enjoyed.
What good is a gift if it isn’t given and simply remains unopened?