Fear and self- loathing are the perfect combination. They go together like PB + Jam, Avocado + Toast, Cookies + Milk…you get the point! BUT hating yourself is an awful tactic, less satisfying than any and all of those combinations and that shit has to STOP.
Self-loathing is the feeling that we just aren’t good enough; an extreme dislike of oneself. Fuelled by anger, low self-esteem, and a distorted perception of oneself due to misguided thoughts and self-belief. I like to think of it as a sliding scale, a spectrum of sorts. Whether some one dislikes or despises them self, it influences the way they think and behave.
Unfortunately it would appear that as humans, we are much harder on ourselves than we ever would be toward others. We tend to work painfully hard to maintain unrealistic expectations of the self. Although it has been fairly normalised to be this way in our society, it is not ok. If it goes on for long enough it can be damaging and wreak havoc on our lives, in every area.
At the root of self-loathing is the belief that there’s something intrinsically wrong, bad, or defective about you. But that simply isn’t so.
This deprecating behaviour can be subtle and might show up in the form of comparison, negative self-talk, finding fault or criticism in choices and appearance, dodging praise or not accepting compliments or care. It may also creep into our lives in louder and aggressive ways as well such as deeply listening to the inner voice while it scolds, berates, telling you how embarrassing, stupid, useless, awful, ugly or insensitive you are.
If self-judgment is persistent (depending on the degree of intensity) it can lead to:
Depression and/or anxiety
Feeling chronically insecure around others
Slouched/poor posture
Neglecting your body and health
Self-sabotage and self destruction (not allowing yourself to be happy)
Refusing compliments, advice, or help
Self-isolation
Addiction/addictive tendencies
Martyrdom
Feeling like a victim all the time
Defeatist mindset (“what’s the point”)
Hopelessness
Aimlessness
No matter what circumstances you find yourself in, a nasty point of view toward yourself is never warranted. Think about yourself and treat yourself as you would a close friend; respectfully and with affection. With understanding and empathy, easiness and love. Ultimately, the goal is to take care of all levels of your being.
There is no singular cause of self-loathing. The human mind is too complex to distil it down to one reason. There are however, a number of factors that may contribute to a less than ideal picture of oneself. Some people may learn to loathe themselves based on the messaging or treatment during their upbringing or within their environment. Similarly, emotional and psychological abuse as an adult can dismantle an otherwise healthy self-image and lead to a distortion of one’s beliefs and thoughts. Trauma at any stage can create a ripple effect out into our future and erode self-concept. Social comparison, perfectionist mindset and people pleasing are also ingredients to self -hate.
Regardless of what has happened to you in your past, you are powerful in your own right, free to choose any point of view or course of action available to you. YOU ARE ENTIRELY UP TO YOU. You must be your own advocate and remember that although you may not be able to change the reality of certain circumstances, you absolutely have the ability to shift your perspective and reactions with the proper tools and support. Luckily, there are steps we can take to quiet that inner critic, calm the negative storm, and move forward in positive ways.
Just as there is no one reason for WHY self loathing, there isn’t one path of HOW to overcome. Regardless of the modalities you might use, I believe the most important step that lays a foundation for all others to be effective, is forgiveness.
Supportive tools:
Forgive yourself and be compassionate -
Especially when it feels the hardest, that’s when it is most important. I often get asked what this even means and how to execute forgiveness. Keep in mind that forgiveness DOES NOT mean what you did or what anyone else did is OK, it means that we are no longer willing to be available for it to emotionally destroy / trigger us on a regular basis. We must separate the behaviour or choice from our individual identity and what we make it mean about ourselves.
We can often get focused on the past—a painful moment or emotion like shame or guilt, anger or embarrassment, or a sense of powerlessness. In that space, there is no room to forgive yourself or embrace who you are, exactly as you are.
Do your best to stay in the present and focus on how far you have come. This may feel uncomfortable or different, but over time, it will help you to decrease self-hatred and gain self-compassion.
Also, accepting and acknowledge that EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED is crucial. In a culture that prioritizes the cognitive aspects of life, the language of the body often goes unheard. The beliefs you hold about yourself and the world, your emotions, your memories, and your habits all influence mental and physical health.
For example, you are likely already familiar with the way that fear can contribute to digestive upset or how tension can lead to headaches.
When you experience emotional states like sadness, joy, or anger, physiological sensations occur in different areas of your body. Stuck or repressed emotions appear to be especially harmful to physical health. People who repress their emotions are more likely to have disruptions in the normal balance of the stress hormone cortisol compared to people who freely express emotion.
Slowing down to observe -
Attention to your own body and mind is the most generous and life-changing thing you can do for yourself. What do you feel? Where do you feel it? How does this interact with your thoughts? What situations trigger you or empower you?
Try keeping it simple (different than easy!) by focusing and combining your daily efforts and consistent action around these categories: Create, experience + Move.
Create - When you let yourself create, you open yourself up to your creativity and true self expression (ex. write, make, draw, sing, paint, photography)
Experience - Change cannot happen without experiencing shifts within your body. Developing self awareness and action versus hoping or wishing (ex, feeling, sensing)
Move - Movement offers a release of tension, shifts emotion and ignites vitality (ex. yoga, work out, dance, walk, bike)
Learn to take compliments -
Say thank you when it happens AND start asking people who love you to share what they appreciate most about you to gain insight.
Challenge your negative thoughts -
Say to yourself, “That’s not true.” Then think of reasons this negative thought is wrong.
Know how to laugh at yourself -
Humour is medicine and so is levity.
Respect + Set boundaries -
Saying no is a powerful thing as is speaking up for what you need for yourself.
Create an inventory of your strengths -
Write them ALL out in your journal.
Get off the gram -
Take a social media detox and recalibrate your perspective.
Use Mantra / Affirmation / Declarations – create your own for the most effective result-
I am more than this action.
I accept myself in all ways.
I can love myself in the ways that I love others I am a person who gives myself permission to drop the self-loathing as the big lie against myself.
I will not be defeated by a false sense of guilt, by a self-hatred that does not tell the truth of who I am as a person.
I am capable of giving love to myself.
Reach out for help to develop a strong supportive network of people and community -
Healing can never be done alone, we are wired to belong and connect with others in loving and meaningful relation. Learning from others, engaging in conversation and sharing experiences can be extremely uplifting.
The time is now, wave the white flag, surrender and give yourself permission to begin a new direction.
You can tune into kindness instead of using force. You can say thank you to whatever situation you’re in and embrace the feeling that is deemed negative. You can stop the war against yourself and instead of being harsh, cold, or angry toward yourself, you can step into an attitude of romance, gentleness and allowing.
You still have time to embrace your weirdness, to realize that you are not wrong, to change the story of your life and come back home to a loving, caring energy.
Lean in, trust yourself and let yourself be taken care of – with love.
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